A blessing for mishmash family

A blessing for mishmash family

Maggie Oates

You are invited to unmute. If the words speak to you or resonate with you, please respond with the words in italics.

There are photos we point to, saying "she looks so much like you!" Twins sharing a secret handshake. A medical history, an inheritance.

Blessed is the family bound by blood. 

There are beacons of food, song, or craft, pulling us together like gravity. 

Blessed is the family bound by senses. 

Ocean Vuong notes, “In Vietnamese, the word for missing someone and remembering them is the same.” When his mother asks him over the phone in Vietnamese: Do you miss me? he flinches, thinking she meant: Do you remember me? 

He is honest, “I miss you more than I remember you.” 

Blessed is the family missed. 

Blessed is the family not remembered. 

There are places where we have precious refrigerator rights. Dinners at another’s table. A candy from a neighbor. The child that always smiles and drools on you on your usual bus route. 

Blessed is the family borrowed.

Blessed is the family stumbled upon.

There are names and relationships lost to time or to violence. African Americans honoring their ancestors face “the brick wall” of documentation, with few written records of Black families before emancipation. 

Blessed is the family unknown, but felt. 

There are reunions, first-unions, births, awkward hugs and long excavations through time and memory. 

Blessed is the family found.

There are lovers of leaving. As HP Rivers says, “leaving family and familiarity, leaving tables where love is not being served.” Those who could not see a light in us, maybe a queerness or a disability. 

Blessed is the family that needs to be grieved.

There are strange and defiant mishmashes. Ones who clung together at first in survival. Then, held each other gently in thriving.

Blessed is the family that is chosen.

There are ones we will never meet, never know, never find, never even consider. The ones seen in church pews or quiet libraries or playgrounds. May we quietly reach to embrace them.

Blessed is the family bound by spirit.

Blessed is our family.

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Written by Maggie Oates for the February 21, 2021 online Allegheny Unitarian Universalist Church service with Rev. Deryck Tines called "Celebrating Family in Black History Month." 

1. Ocean Vuong's words are from his book, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous. You can find it in bookstores and libraries. The full quote is

In Vietnamese, the word for missing someone and remembering them is the same: nhớ. Sometimes, when you ask me over the phone, Có nhớ mẹ không? I flinch, thinking you meant, Do you remember me? I miss you more than I remember you.

2. It is very difficult for African-Americans to research their ancestry before the 1900s because "enslaved African Americans were rarely recorded by name in documents of any kind, making the tracing of their antebellum ancestry nearly impossible." However, sometimes this wall is possible to scale. For resources, see Henry Louis Gates Jr and Meaghan Siekman's "Cheat Sheet for Researching African-American Ancestors" and this list of "African American Resources for Pennsylvania." Locally, there is a chapter of the Afro-American Historical and Genealogical Society.

3. HP Rivers wrote "Blessed Are the Queer."

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

What does freedom feel like? (Guided Meditation)

This 5-minute guided meditation was written for an online service on Liberation at Allegheny Unitarian Universalist Church, to be read by Sue Watts. 

What does freedom feel like?

Have you felt freedom, felt it in your body? Where does freedom lie in your body? Summon a bit of it, if you can, for just for a moment.

If your freedom soars, summon that rising in your chest. If your freedom sits and settles, summon that good weight around your hips. If your freedom dances, summon that electricity on your skin. If your freedom is lightness or floating, banish that lump in your throat and ask your limbs to let go of their tightness.

[Pause, 30 sec]

Have you witnessed the freedom of another? Seen a woman walk from prison? Seen a dog with ears flapping in the wind? Seen a child stick up for another when they know something is Right? Seen a man kiss a man on the street and in the sun?

How does it feel to witness freedom?

[Pause, 30 sec]

Have you witnessed the chains of another? Opened your eyes to pain you couldn’t see before? Lifted the veil on a horror where oppressors had taped it down, refusing to let you see?

How does it feel to witness chains?

[Pause, 30 sec]

Have you ever moved your body toward liberation? Not just lifting a helping hand, but moving your whole being? As Aboriginal activists said in the 70s, “If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”

How does it feel to be bound up with me?

[Pause, 30 sec]

What does freedom feel like? Can you expand this freedom?
Can you move your whole being toward freedom?
Can you move your whole being toward your freedom, and mine?

[Pause, 30 sec]

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Words by Maggie Oates and Sue Watts. They were written for the voice and spirit of Sue Watts in mind. I am not associated with the following people or organizations, but this meditation was heavily inspired by the work of adrienne maree brown (particularly her book Pleasure Activism) and by all the wisdom and teachings of generative somatics.

The quote “If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.” was popularized by Aboriginal activist Lilla Watson. It can be credited to Aboriginal activist groups, Queensland, 1970s.

If you use this work, I strongly suggest you consider a donation to individuals or organizations working at the intersection of liberation and body, such as generative somatics or Black Organizing for Leadership and Dignity (BOLD).


"What does freedom feel like?" by Maggie Oates and Sue Watts is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.